It’s been 6 weeks since I embarked on this journey of recovery. Of course before this I was fighting the daily battle and trying but never had I felt this level of determination. I thought it would be good to look back at how much has changed over the last 6 weeks. I have had support from my husband and my family. I have professional support from a therapist in CBT and exposure work and I have support from OCD action with a weekly check in. I also take medication daily. Without any of those things I wouldn’t have got where I am now. However mainly this all revolves around my little boy and being the best for him. For a while I was far from my best and on reflection I can’t believe how impacted I had become but I am stronger and the fight continues.
- I never cooked, I became scared of my kitchen. Cooking would be too difficult because of how much I’d hand wash. I love cooking but I stopped for about 2 months. Now I am cooking from scratch and serving and I even made my little boys weaning food. Now don’t get me wrong this isn’t an easy feeling but I’m doing it more and more. I went months barely eating and now I’m eating 3 meals a day.
- I didn’t use the sink downstairs as this is the sink my husband would wash his hands in when he came home from work. I never made drinks and my husband would have to leave me drinks for the day when he wasn’t here. Now I’m using the sink for hand washing and drinks. I still get anxious but this is something I’m working on.
- The floor: I wouldn’t touch the floor, sit with my feet up, let my boy on the bare floor etc. Now I’m lay on it with him, if a toy falls on the floor he can have it back. My feet are up on the sofa. I used to wash my hands when I put socks on. Not anymore.
- Getting washed or showered I’d need my husband to pass me stuff and watch me. I’ll never forget how awful I felt looking at my husband sat watching me with our little boy in his arms. Now I get up and get ready. Before that it could take over an hour just to wash and get into pjs…now there’s time to spare!
- Hand washing : my hands were red raw. I was washing all the time and repeating over and over. If I touched the sink or it didn’t feel right I’d do it again. Now it’s 30 seconds and I’m done. I used to avoid the toilet in the day when hubby was at work. I’d be too worried about being too long washing my hands. Not anymore!
- I never went out alone – now so far I’ve only done this once. But now when I go out with my family we talk, we laugh. Before I was a nervous wreck. It was awful. Sometimes I wouldn’t make it out the house or when I did I’d come back and meltdown and shower. We have fun now. It’s been so long since we had fun.
- Getting dressed before was a task. Most of the clothes would end up in the wash as I would find a problem with them. I’d put my trousers on without allowing my feet to touch the waist band and if I failed (which I did a lot) I would put them in the wash. Now I just get dressed and go downstairs.
- My reassurance seeking was very demanding. I would be writing down 60 things a day. Now it’s one or two. My husband would be constantly getting calls and texts but not now. Now there may be a couple of things but I deal with most things alone now.
- My relationship with my husband. I wouldn’t let him kiss me or touch me. Now we enjoy each other’s company again. I don’t shrug him away or check he’s clean.
My journey is not over, far from it. But I’m so pleased with how further forward I now am. There are no more daily tears I feel more able now to face those fears.